Learning to Be Vulnerable

Vulnerability

Ten years ago, my life was turned upside down, sideways, and scattered into a million pieces. I had a terrible secret. I was addicted to alcohol and prescription pills. My addiction led me to some very dark places and contributed to behaviors that I am not proud of. I lost my career, the respect of my peers, the trust of my husband, and my own self-respect. All I kept thinking was, "How did this happen?" This humbling experience brought me to my knees. The shame was so powerful that I wanted to end my life in order to stop the pain. It was only through the grace of God and the helpfulness of others that I was able to stand up, look at myself in the mirror, and begin a journey of healing.

For an inpatient soul such as me, I wanted the fast track to feeling better and getting my life back on track. I only wanted to look forward in the expansive windshield at my life ahead, while only glancing at my past in my small rearview mirror. However, I needed to delve into my past to get a clear understanding of my own actions and behavior. This was not an easy task, and without a doubt, something I could never have done on my own. It was only then that I discovered the true power of vulnerability.

Vulnerability has always been seen in society as a negative trait. In fact, the definition of vulnerability itself, "the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally" makes one want to avoid it at all costs. But does this mean we should? The idea of opening the door to criticism and judgement of others scared me to death. I was always overly-concerned about what others thought of me. I wanted everyone to think highly of me and most importantly TO LIKE ME. The ego is such a powerful thing, and can often be a roadblock to learning to love ourselves. With the help of my family, a support group, therapy, and God, I was able to put aside my ego and become rigorously honest. Eventually, I was able to be forthcoming about other events and trauma in my life that I never admitted to anyone. This enabled me to let go of the shame that held me prisoner for such a long time.

Through this experience, I began to see vulnerability as a strength rather than a weakness. By owning my story and taking responsibility for my shortcomings, it lessened the power of other people's opinions about me. Letting my guard down gave me the ability to allow myself to be human and to learn from my mistakes rather than continuing to beat myself up over them. It created closer relationships with my family, friends, and others who could relate to my story. My newfound courage gave me both confidence and strength. It helped me grow in ways I never thought possible. Most importantly, being vulnerable gave me the ability to show others that they were not alone. Being honest gave other people the courage to open up about their own lives and begin their own journey of healing.

The peace of mind that I have today is beyond measure. My journey inward has helped me to forgive and love myself, to stay in the moment, to lead a clean and sober life, to accept others as they are, and to accept life as it is. My relationship with my husband and children has never been stronger. I have a group of friends that love me, support me, and accept me as I am. I no longer have to try to be someone I am not. The journey inward is never-ending. I have had many lessons show up for me in the past ten years that have helped me grow. Every time I took one step backwards, I was able to take two steps forward. Through this blog I will be sharing my own story, experiences, thoughts, and path to a better life with the hope that it encourages others to do the same.